HPS Best and Crummiest of 2005

"Welcome to the 6th Annual HPS Best and Crummiest - 2005 edition"

The following Best and Crummiest cultural items of the year were
unscientifically selected by HPS staff members, with help by twelve
psychically-attuned strangers we contacted via modern Ouija Board.

HPS will most likely be adding some more entries as the next
two weeks progress, so check back often for important updates
or else you might miss out on something really life-enhancing.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Have you tightened your belt?

Are your socks pulled up correctly?

Is your cellphone turned off?

Have you closed and bolted the windows?

Have you sent your invisible friend out of the room?

Are you ready for the BEST?

Are you prepared for the CRUMMIEST?

Please, read on...

----------------------------
BEST INTERNET WEBSITES OF 2005
----------------------------
>> Go Fug Yourself <<

Great, concise writing plus celebrity fashion disasters
equals the absolute funniest and best website of the year.

>> Webshots <<

Sure Flickr is kind of OK, but Webshots is the undisputed
Holy Land of often-disturbing online photo sharing. Don't miss
the photos of drunk people sticking out their tongues!

>> Boing Boing <<

More often than not, Boing Boing deals with a bit too much
pointless cultural trivia (recorded dog laughter calms dogs!)
but overall it packs a definite punch...lotsa links a-plenty

>> Engrish.Com <<

"Good day nice to meat you!" kinda sums it up.

Most websites tend to blow a gasket early on and
freeze in a state of cryogenic suspension. Engrish.Com
is one of the few old school websites that's still progressing.

>> happy palace <<

Why waste time reading somebody's goofy opinion,
when you can just get your ass to the links. happy palace
cuts to the chase and unearths some real cyber-gems.

----------------------------
CRUMMIEST CONTINUOUS INTERNET TRENDS OF 2005
----------------------------
>> Net Labels <<

Although we've been running the HPS Net Label Challenge*
for over two years now, no one has been able to turn us on to
one actual good Net Label song. All Net Labels continue to suck
and just because there are 50 trillion of them on the internet
doesn't make it any less true. God save us all from Net Labels
and the hideous FREE mp3 dreck they spew-eth forth.

>> fancy embedded Flash graphics <<

Unless you're a Rather Good Viking Kitty,
keep the Flash in your pants. Using Flash
on a website is like scuba diving while
wearing ice skates and handcuffs.

>> the Creative Commons License <<

As Edwin Starr once sang: "What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!"

>> Mash Ups <<

Somebody tell somebody that morphing a Madonna song
into a Snoop Dogg rap is only interesting for about a split-second
and then it collapses into anti-climacticism and musical nothingness.

Even Dangermouse's "Grey Album" (the benchmark for Mash Ups)
is truly only really sporadically listen-worthy (see "99 Problems")

>> There's still no decent Sly Stone website anywhere <<

For some horrible reason there are ZERO
all-encompassing websites devoted to Sly Stone.

The handful of Sly sites that are out there are either
weird record company deals or they're inadequate
and creepy GeoCities-style fansites...oh, geez.

Hey, if anybody wants to do the research
and design...we'll pop for the webspace.

----------------------------
CRUMMIEST INTERNET WEBSITES OF 2005
----------------------------
>> Wikipedia.Org <<

"Hey, everybody...let's all write a very inaccurate online encyclopedia!"

>> Comfort Stand <<

It's not the very basic and non-threatening web design at
Comfort Stand that's problematic. It's simply that Comfort Stand
releases consistently bad and unlistenable audio in bucket loads.

The masterminds at CS continue to delude themselves into
believing that a series of samples (usually samples taken from
children's records) placed over stale Drum 'n' Bass rhythms
constitutes "music" of some sort. It doesn't.

Recently Comfort Stand has attempted to update it's
image by offering hard rock, hopeless experimental
noise and even smooth bossa nova downloads.

Too little, too late and besides...who cares?

>> Internet Archive <<

The Internet Archive is working hard to become the Library of Alexandria
of the modern world...a repository for all things digital...a library of everything!

In the meantime, they're doing the best they can while hosting bland and boring
Net Label audio, hundreds of streaming archaic Grateful Dead shows,
Betty Boop and Bettie Page shorts as well as important public domain films
such as "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe: Chapter 4" and
"Spooks Run Wild"

Sure, the Internet Archive hosts one or two gems.
But for every "Un Chein Andalou" there are
fifty "Radar Men from the Moon" and 10,000
ambient-breakbeat-house-remix mp3s.

No, the Internet Archive is not
the Library of Alexandria.

It's more like the 99 Cent Store on steroids

>> Flickr - Photo Sharing <<

Probably one of the worst photo sharing
interfaces in the known universe...miserable.

And unless you really like gazzilions of scans
of old, retro vintage-y cookbooks, stay away.

>> Basic Hip Kiddie Records Weekly <<

There's something mildly disturbing about (mostly) grown men
downloading and getting very excited about old children's records.

And it's doubtful that little Jane or Johnny are gonna wanna listen
to Grandad's downloaded mp3s of "500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins"

XBox 360 is in...Hopalong Cassidy and Baby Snooks are yesterday's news.

The Little Black Sambo and Uncle Remus posts don't help either.

----------------------------
BEST MUSIC DOWNLOADS OF 2005
----------------------------
>> MSR Madness, Volumes 5 and 6 - WFMU.ORG and others <<

There's quite a bit of over-lap with these volumes and previous volumes
of the Song-Poem compilation series...but who's complaining? Thank goodness
these "send-in-yer-poems" tracks are so wacky and strong that they withstand
examination and commentary by the cock-eyed and nausea-inducing
pseudo-music critics of the internet (see: "non-expert" Irwin Chusid)

>> An Evening with Wild Man Fischer <<

The Wild Man Fischer story is a sad and troubling one
and this album ain't exactly "Abba's Greatest Hits" -
but until it gets an official release, this is a good way to
get a decent digital copy. Available at PCL Link Dump

----------------------------
BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR
----------------------------
>> Turbonegro - "Party Animals" <<

wasted again
tanked up on the juice and gin
wasted again
fuck yeah!

----------------------------
BEST CD BOX SET OF THE YEAR
----------------------------
>> MC5 - "Purity Accuracy" <<

The funkiest 60s musical revolutionaries in town,
with a box set that's all over the place...singles, LIVE stuff,
out-takes, B-sides, C-sections and James Brown's kitchen sink.

----------------------------
BEST TV SHOW OF THE YEAR (USA)
----------------------------
>> Family Guy <<

For the next five hours, you're my bitch.

----------------------------
BEST TOTALLY WIMPY AND AWKWARD TELEVISED CALL TO ACTION
----------------------------
>> Kanye West - NBC Concert for Hurricane Katrina <<

Of course, what K.W. said was exactly right...however, he's
gonna have to work on the nervousness and awkward delivery
if he ever wants to throw down like a true politico-cultural critic again.

----------------------------
BEST MUSICAL GUEST ON A DICK CAVETT SHOW DVD
----------------------------
>> Sly Stone <<

Yeah, like we said above, Sly has no decent presence
on the internet...however he rules the roost during one
of the Dick Cavett Show - Rock Icons DVD episodes...

Is he stoned, fucked-up or in deep thought? You decide.

----------------------------
BEST FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR (USA)
----------------------------
>> Anchorman <<

This one came out in late 2004, but made this year's
cut because the knife fight scene in the alley cast
a haunting comedic shadow over 2005 and will
likely continue it's glorious cast well into 2006.

----------------------------
BEST FILM THAT WE ACTUALLY SAW THIS YEAR
----------------------------
>> Manos the Hands of Fate <<

Torgo takes care of the place while the Master is away.

That's all you need to know about this filmic pearl.

----------------------------
CRUMMIEST ONGOING PARENTAL TREND OF THE YEAR
----------------------------
Purchasing huge, whipped-cream-covered and
highly caffeinated mega-coffee drinks for your children
at Starbucks and/or other huge coffee drink outlets.

----------------------------
BEST EMAIL THAT WE RECEIVED IN 2005
----------------------------
Hi, I'm with Wichita Packing Company.

We sell pork. While searching for an image for our Holiday card,
we found your Naked Pig in Banana Peel. It's great!

I'm wondering if we can print the cards with
a generic holiday and happy new years message?

Thanks
Monica

----------------------------
BEST HPS WEBSITE THAT WAS HUGE IN BELGIUM IN 2005
----------------------------
>> photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store <<

For some crazy reason the entire country of Belgium
embraced this touching collection of family photos that
we bought for five bucks at a swap meet. It's good to
know that a measly five bucks can still buy a good time
for the kind and proud people of Belgium.

----------------------------
CRUMMIEST AND/OR LEAST EFFECTIVE EMAILS WE GOT IN 2005
----------------------------
>> emails that asked us to turn off the music on the main page <<

No, we won't turn off the music on the main page.
No, sorry, we won't put a little Quicktime controller on
the main page so you can personally turn down the music.
No, we won't consider taking the music off the main page
but thanks for writing and write again soon...thanks!

----------------------------
CRUMMIEST CONTINUOUS CULTURAL TREND(S) OF 2005
----------------------------
>> oblivious individuals in supermarkets who use cellphones <<

>> oblivious individuals in large SUVs with tinted windows who use cellphones <<

>> oblivious individuals who pace sidwalks while using cellphones <<

>> oblivious individuals in long bank lines who use cellphones <<

>> oblivious individuals who initially bought a cellphone
because they thought it would be great to have in case
their car ever broke down on the freeway but who now
have become seriously addicted to using a cellphone
because they have an innate fear of being left alone with
their own fragile thoughts and inner demons <<

>> oblivious individuals who use cellphones in general <<


>> folks who have extremely dumb-looking spider web tattoos on their elbows <<

By the way, the worst tattoo we saw all year was a kooky-looking
tattoo of HELLO KITTY combined with a SKULL AND CROSS BONES
on the exposed shoulder of a woman we saw at Tower Records.


REMEMBER -

If you're gonna deface your body, at least have the decency to
consult an art book or somebody at an art museum so that
your tattoo looks at least kind of cool.


>> dream catchers hanging from automobile rear-view mirrors <<

Yes, kids...take the sacred web-like hoop of the Lakota
and turn it into the equivalent of fuzzy dice and hang it
from your rear-view and gaze at it while you curse at traffic

Early in 2005, we actually saw a delicate dreamcatcher
hanging (ever-so beautifully) from the rear-view mirror of an
ugly, gas-guzzing Hummer. Black Elk's probably
turning over in his grave.

----------------------------
BEST SOON-TO-BE BROADWAY SHOW ABOUT THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
----------------------------
>> Jerry Springer the Opera <<

Jerry Springer the Opera had a long run in London and
the entire musical was broadcast on Britain's Channel 4 to great
acclaim and to great disdain (the show contains 3,168 "F" words)

The Channel 4 video can be found online as a torrent
and the actual show is opening on Broadway in 2006

----------------------------
BEST ONGOING HOME ACCESSORY
----------------------------
>> the front door <<

Don't leave home without it.


text copyright © 2005-2006
Houseplant Picture Studio

HPS DISCUSSION BOARD NOW OPEN!

Due to popular demand, we gluttons for punishment here at
Houseplant Picture Studio have launched yet another heroic
and potentially disaster-inducing DISCUSSION BOARD

We're gonna give it a shot for a couple of weeks and if it
doesn't stir a significant amount of healthy participation
amongst our more intelligent visitors (and hangers-on)
then we'll just scrap the whole thing and open up a taco
stand next to Amazon.Com



You'll have to sign-up and confirm via email,
but after that, you'll be good to go...and go...and go.

HPS DISCUSSION/MESSAGE BOARD

Best wishes from HPS!

Warm best wishes from your pals at
Houseplant Picture Studio...

Our "Best and Crummiest" list for 2005
is now up and will be updated for the next
couple of weeks

by the way, we were chosen as
a Yahoo! PICK OF THE YEAR

POUND THE NOG!

Benbenek / Long Beach, CA

Yahoo! PICKS OF THE YEAR

Best wishes from HPS!

Warm best wishes from your pals at
Houseplant Picture Studio...

Our "Best and Crummiest" list for 2005
is now up and will be updated for the next
couple of weeks

by the way, we were chosen as
a Yahoo! PICK OF THE YEAR

be safe and we hope you have
somebody to be with over the holidays

Benbenek / Long Beach, CA

Yahoo! PICKS OF THE YEAR

some films and video junk we watched in 2005

Here are a handful of films and videos that we watched during 2005.
By the way, the crummiest movie we actually watched in a theater
this year was "The Pacifier" starring Vin Diesel...luckily we'd
snuck into the showing after we'd seen "Robots" (which was actually good)
- so we didn't waste any hard-earned dough.

• Twisted Brain (science dweeb goes nut-zoid and kills people)
• The Star Wars Holiday Special (Bea Arthur kicks out the jams)
• American Grafitti (Charles Martin Smith still rules...)
• Dragnet '67 DVD set (most of the classic drug episodes)
• Gene Vincent 1969 British Tour (better than "Don't Look Back")
• Jerry Springer the Opera (this British TV version can be found as a torrent)
• John and Yoko - Dick Cavett Show DVDs (man, John Lennon sure talked a lot)
• Psyched By the 4-D Witch (anything SOMETHING WEIRD releases is A-OK)
• She Devils On Wheels (the theme song's probably better than the film)



• Fear of a Black Hat (our pal Kevin turned us on to this scathing satire)
• Manos the Hands of Fate (the Tickle-Me Generation's Wizard of Oz)
• Senior Heroes of America (old folks TV series produced by Marvin Taman)
• Lost In Space - Complete Series-DVD (watch Dr. Smith go from scary to bumbling)
• Team America (good but not quite DARN good)
• Frank Zappa - Baby Snakes (get it for Bruce Bickford's animation + Terry Bozzio)
• War of the Gargantuas (a fierce, yet touching battle between green and brown)



• Invasion of the Bee Girls (mostly boring, but an awe-inspiring final 15 minutes)
• Tenacious D - the Complete Masterworks (good to slap-in at parties)
• Festival Express (featuring the drunkest person ever...Rick Danko...shit!)
• Marc Bolan / T Rex - Born to Boogie (the zenith of 70s British Glam Rock hysteria)
• Iggy and the Stooges LIVE IN DETROIT (coulda been a stinker, but it's good)
• Gilligan's Island - Complete -DVD (better than anything Frank Capra ever did)
• Educational Archives Lunch Box set (DVD Planet kept delaying our DVDs,
  so we copied the discs from Netflix..."Shake Hands with Danger" is the gem)
• The Merry Pranksters Search for a Kool Place/North to Madhattan (we got these
   several years ago, but recently transferred the VHS tapes to DVD.

Amazon.Com

Kool Place videos

Senior Heroes of America

reading beats watching pro sports any day

HERE ARE A FEW BOOKS THAT WE BUMPED INTO DURING 2005 - -

• Stephen Shore - "American Surfaces" (lotsa polaroids)
• Theo Ehret - "Exquisite Mayhem" (lotsa wrestling)
• Lars Bergquist - "Swedenborg's Secret" (bio RE: Swedenborg)
• Tim Hollis - "Dixie Before Disney" (kooky roadside stuff)
• Hal Lifson - "1966!" (the year between 1965 and 1967)
• R. Crumb - "Odds & Ends" (odds and ends by R. Crumb)
• Dian Hanson - "Naked As a Jaybird" (not sure what this is)
• Steve Otfinoski - "Golden Age of Rock Instrumentals"
• Ken Smith - "Mental Hygiene" (classroom films 1945-70)
• Allen Funt - "Eavesdropper at Large" (Mr. Candid Camera himself!)
• Ted Fox - "Showtime at the Apollo" (history of a great theater)
• Alan Watts - "Beyond Theology" (the art of Godsmanship)
• Ram Dass - "Grist for the Mill" (a look beyond the veil of appearances)
• Susan Stryker - "Queer Pulp" (from the golden age of paperbacks)
• Collins and Skover - "The Trials of Lenny Bruce" (Bruce's obscenity trials)
• Stefano Zuffi - "One Thousand Years of Painting" (title sez it all)
• Weegee - "Naked City" (the father of gritty photojournalism)
• Barry Humphries - "Bizarre" (dandiacal caprices of art and nature)
• Bruce McCall - "The Last Dream-O-Rama" (cars Detroit forgot to build)
• Nason and Escalante - "Rat Fink - the Art of Big Daddy Roth"
• L.E. Kuna and Pablo Amaringo - "Ayahusca Visions" (religious iconography)
• Ed Wood, Jr - "Killer in Drag" (blood, sex and scandal)



SOME OLD FAVORITES - -

• Ken Kesey and others - "Kesey's Garage Sale"
• R. Masters/Jean Houston - "Varieties of Psychedelic Experience"
• Abbie Hoffman - "Revolution For the Hell of It"
• Abbie Hoffman - "Soon to Be a Major Motion Picture"
• Ram Dass and others - "Be Here Now"
• George Bain - "Celtic Art the Methods of Construction"
• Jim Derogatis - "Kaleidoscope Eyes"
• E. Swedenborg - "Divine Providence"
• Dr. Seuss - "The Cat in the Hat"
• Dr. Seuss - "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"
• Richard Brautigan - "Trout Fishing in America"
• Jamie Reid - "Up They Rise"
• Saul Steinberg - "The Labyrinth"
• W. Fagaly - "The Art of Sister Gertrude Morgan"
• Allen Cohen - "The San Francisco Oracle" (facsmile ed.)
• Tom Wolfe - "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test"
• Allen Ginsberg - "Collected Poems 1947-1980"
• Terence McKenna - "Archaic Revival"

Amazon.Com

Viva! Martin Lugosi

For some very peculiar reason, the sound of Roxy Music's
LIVE album Viva Roxy Music has been flowing through
the HPS offices during this holiday season...and it's a bitchin'
album fer sure, but has anyone else noticed that Bryan Ferry
sounds a heckuva lot like Martin Landau doing his "Ed Wood"
impression of Bella Lugosi...??

Is Bryan Ferry part Transylvanian?

Roxy Music

Torgo - All About Torgo

Really the best Torgo site!
And done on a Mac! This is fuckin' great!

Torgo - All About Torgo

Richard Pryor (1940-2005)

Richard Pryor...easily the funniest man ever to walk the earth

Richard Pryor

London Routemaster retired

"The famous London Routemaster bows out of regular service today.
For many people, this is the end of an era; it's certainly the end of scheduled
jump-on-jump-off buses in central London with conductors on board..."

London Routemaster bus retired - via Guardian newsblog

Go Fug Yourself

celebrity (and pseudo-celebrity) fashion disasters,
featuring the most clever and funny text on the web

Go Fug Yourself

John Lennon (1940 - Dec. 8, 1980)

The new-ish Dick Cavett DVD thing with a non-stop-talking Lennon
and a not-so talkative Yoko Ono (circa 71-72) is worth Netflixing...definitely worth
a spin-thru once, we must say...and featuring a twistifying version of "We're All Water" (with the even-now fashionable Elephant's Memory) as well as Dick Cavett's non-stop talk-show-guy schtick...which is certainly relentless and almost numbing.

NBC broadcast a very long and painfully-boring step-by-step analysis of Lennon's
gunning down (2 weeks ago)...that Mark David Chapman guy sure had a lot of spare time to be taking jets from Hawaii to NYC...well, that's how the story goes when you've got murderous "must-kill-a-Beatle" demons controlling your every move

The Dick Cavett Show w/ John and Yoko

HPS mp3 mailing list compilation 2

HPS mp3 mailing list compilation VOLUME TWO
is now online...15 tracks sent in by some of our
faithful mailing list members

HPS mp3 mailing list compilation 2

LA Through Postcards

LA Through Postcards

via happy palace

HPS...new bigger size impresses lemurs

Not that it matters one fucking bit, but the 2nd string HPS design team has
finally finished the "NEW" and "BIGGER" HPS website. The new, bigger site is now "UP" and impressing wildlife (especially fat-tailed dwarf lemurs) all over the planet.

Team leader Zack made darn sure that everything (jpegs, mp3s and text) was
stretched to full cyber-capacity. The radical new "pixel distribution method" that Zack and his crack team (no, not that kinda crack) employed will now allow the average HPS visitor to experience the website in an almost Tron-like fashion...in other words, from now on visiting Houseplant Picture Studio will be like visiting a small, flat vertical 1980s-era Disney video game and/or hit movie

The lemur-impressing Houseplant Picture Studio